⚠️ Don’t forget to watch the feature video ✏️ For comments click on the headline and scroll to the bottom
I Want To Kick Tiamat Right In The @#$%ing Taco!
I’m sorry…I had to say it. Here’s a funny story before we dive deeper into this Darksiders let’s play.
A few years back (I’d like to say 2013-ish) I had two co-workers who went by the names of Jennifer and Nicole. I think both girls got hired around the same time–they didn’t know each other before–and they became fast friends. Jenn was a slender girl, very trendy and stylish, with short, boy-cut, hair (sometimes her tips would be dyed a funky colour); and Nicki…well let’s just say her style was quite the opposite. But despite their appearances, both girls were able to form a bond because of their delightful personalities and shared sense of humour.
I had the pleasure of working with both girls; as CSRs (Customer Service Representatives) their jobs were to liaise with the client and write up the work instruction, which I would then use to initiate and/or revise package design artwork. Riveting stuff.
The girls had a saying–whenever they were dealing with a difficult client, of the same sex–and that saying was, “I want to kick her right in the taco!” If you haven’t guessed it, taco is the alternate word for vagina.
They repeated these words constantly, and I always was around to catch this hilarious saying because my desk was right next to Jenn’s. Now, I’m not sure if they made it up themselves, or if they got it from a movie, but hearing the both of them say this made me laugh out loud every time–and this is where the funny sub headline comes from!
Tiamat is a boss that’s taken me five years to defeat…well, not consecutively. I’ve been playing this game, irregularly, for this long. And finally, in 2017, for this let’s play video, after multiple attempts, just when I was about to throw in the bloody towel, I kicked her ass! After 50 long-ass minutes of painful button mashing, I finally delivered that devastating blow…and I didn’t record it! (I’ll come back to this.)
Hashtag, The Struggle Is Real!
I’m Going To Throw My Controller Into The @#$%ing HDTV!
Some fucking boss battles make you want to throw the damn controller right into the TV set, and Darksiders (in my experience) is definitely one of those games. This is quite embarrassing for me to admit because Darksiders is not a hard game, not by any stretch of the imagination. The gameplay is very similar to God of War, and I’ve beaten two of those games. So what’s my darn problem with this game? It’s not like I’m playing Nioh, or Bloodborne, or Dark Souls; games that are truly punishing, and difficult to get through, and master.
Well, I think that the problem was that I wasn’t as committed to gaming (back when I got Darksiders in 20xx). Not like I am now. Back then I just didn’t care to put up with the difficult boss battles in any game, let alone this one. If a game, and/or boss battle, was too challenging then it just isn’t worth my time. Those were my thoughts back then…I still feel this way today actually. I won’t fuck with games like Nioh or Dark Souls. I’ve tried. They’re too bloody hard for a gamer like me. My dexterity is quite limited you see, but in spite of this limitation, I wasn’t about to let Darksiders get the best of me. I’m better than this old-ass, fucking, PS3 game…right? It was damn well time to find out.
And So It Began
After years of procrastinating it was time to find out if I could finally advance in this game. (I am the world’s best video game procrastinator; the filthiest of casuals.) So I finally reached into my black-brown Billy bookcase from IKEA, sifted through and pulled out the not-so-see-through, white, plastic, PS3 Blu-Ray case with the Darksiders logo and cover art on it, popped it open, took out the game disc, and slide it into my third generation PlayStation console.
Is anyone else out there still booting up their last gen console…anyone?
Tiamat vs. Berry, Billed As The Fight Of The Century
This bout was comparable to the Mayweather vs. Pacquiao fight from two years back! I feel like I could have sold tickets for this event. It was the fight of the decade…seriously. I was feeling every emotion imaginable. I was anxious, but a little excited; happy, but a little scared, all at the same time because I just wasn’t sure how this was going to end. Tiamat is no push-over, and if I was going to walk away with her bloody heart in my hand, I was going to have to truly work for it…and so I did.
I went toe to toe with Lady T, the ginormous bat-like creature from hell, for almost an hour before giving up on this game. I was literally at my wits end. You’ll hear my frustration closer to the end of the first let’s play. It’s pretty funny. At the time of playing, it felt like it didn’t matter how far I had come as a gamer–and I’ve come pretty damn far! Even with the handful of games that I have finished, since I started this blog, it was as if non of that mattered. I had met my match with Tiamat and nothing was going to change that.
So I hung my head in shame, edited the let’s play; because even with my defeat I still intended on posting the let’s play, and started prepping this article. But the little gamer boy inside of me told me to stop what I was doing and have a rematch. I tried ignoring this voice, but it convinced me to give it one more go. So I gave it one more go…and failed. Then I gave it a second go…I failed again. I don’t remember how many more tries it took, but finally, on that last-ditch effort, TKO (Technical Knock Out)! She was down.…and I tore off her wings…and I cut out her bleeding heart…and I forgot to record it!
I was so determined to beat this queen of the harpies, I forgot to hit the record button. Even as a fail-safe, the software that I use has a feature that allows me to rewind back one hour and re-record any footage that I wasn’t recording in the first place. This really comes in handy, but I actually forgot that it could even do that. I’ve actually never had to use the flashback recording feature in the past so it wasn’t at the forefront of my mind. So there’s no video of me actually defeating Tiamat. Just the let’s play of my losing fight with her, and the let’s play (Part 2) of what comes after her.
That’s life my friends–and I’m the type of person who won’t go back to replay a part of a game once I’ve already played it–and I most certainly won’t redo a boss battle that’s caused me this much grief over the years either. So that’s my story, and I’m sticking to it. Whoop, there it is!
⬇️ Please click on the image to watch Part 2 of my Darksiders Let’s Play
Insert Games Journalist Type-of-Shit Here
Darksiders is a multi-platform, hack-and-slash, third-person, action-adventure game by (the now defunct developer) Vigil Games and published by THQ Nordic (formerly THQ). The game launched in North America on PlayStation 3 and Xbox 360 on January 5th, 2010; and was released in Australia and Europe days after; making Japan last in line for the game, as their release date was a few months later, launching on March 18th.
PC gamers had to wait a little longer to play Darksiders, as the Windows version had a September release schedule. North America and Australia’s launch was September 23rd, 2010; with Europe launching on the 24th.
In Darksiders you play the roll of War, one of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse. After being wrongfully accused of destroying the balance between the Kingdoms of Heaven and Hell, and bringing about the apocalypse; War makes it his sworn mission to seek out (and find) the true transgressors of the premature catastrophe, regain his powers, and most important of all, find the other horsemen.
Darksiders was followed up with a sequel, Darksiders II, which was released on August 14, 2012. It’s story ran parallel to the first game and had you play the role of Death, one of the other Horsemen of the Apocalypse.
In July of 2016 it was announced that a Darksiders remastered version would be coming to PS4, Xbox One, PC and Wii U, titled the Darksiders Warmastered Edition. The updated features included:
- Native 1080p rendering resolution
- Doubled texture resolutions
- Rendering improvements and rework
- Better shadow rendering quality
- Post processing effects
- 60 FPS gameplay (Wii U will run at 30 FPS)
The Warmastered Edition was released on November 22nd, 2016 for PS4 and Xbox One, and on the 29th for Windows and Steam. The Wii U version is slated for May 23rd, 2017.